I wish my god had a kingdom
I wish my god had a son
I wish my god saved a place for me
When my time was done
I wish my god had some scripture
I wish my god had mysterious ways
That would make me feel better about
All the bad things that came my way
But my god, if he exists at all
Is not the greatest big but the greatest small
And my god, if he exists at all
Has never been there for me at all
And it's not for lack of trying
I used to pray every night and
I used to ask for the smallest sign
I would have taken anything he'd like
I put my head in the holy water
And I came like the lamb to the slaughter
I sang the hymns to the Holy Father
I sang them harder, I sang them louder
What a god, what a god, what a glorious god
What a glorious god is he
Can You hear me?
Are You listening?
I'm tired of singing my heart out
And nobody letting it in
Can you hear me?
Are you listening?
I'm tired of singing my heart out
And nobody letting it in
I Keep Trying To See You As a Person, But All I Can See is a Shark
I'm as bitter as I've ever been
I'm as angry as I was back then
I'm as restless as a sinner in the pew
I'm not better, sorry, I thought I was
I'm falling down, not catching up
I can't help but compare myself to you
And I know it's romanticized
Our fates were never entwined
It always felt like something was missing
But it's as good an excuse as any
To drown myself in baths of pity
To always be in need of listening
I'm no better than the things I hate
The ignorant, the hypocrites, the fakes
Who the fuck am I to say I'm right?
And I hide behind these selfish songs
With this smile I've held all along
Waiting for the camera's flashing lights
I'm an asshole who thinks he has the right
To ask for your applause every Friday night
When all he's done is make himself the victim
I'm a self-important, no-talent hack
Idealizing the things I lack
Instead of sucking it up and trying to earn them
And living with the grand illusion
That presenting my flaws in grand collusion
Will somehow make them more okay
They say you only have to live with yourself
But I'm trying to work that part out
So I can live at least a block or two away
It's getting harder to believe
In my false sense of superiority
That the drugs I don't do and the meat I don't eat
Somehow make you not as good as me
I did not beat them but I did not join
I hit the mark but I missed the point
Alone for the weekend, for the rest of my life
While everyone else laughs and passes the light
And I look myself in the face
And ask, "What was the fucking point anyway?"
It's getting easier to doubt
All of the things that I used to shout
With my fist in the air, revolution in my mouth
Gone bitter and cold from never coming out
My immature ideals, so unrealistic
And my words on a page, so narcissistic
And I stutter and stammer and come off like a dick
A pragmatic hypocrite pessimist
And I look myself in the face
And ask, "What was the fucking point anyway?
Why do I always have to complain?
Why can't I ever stay where I want to stay
Why do I ascribe meaning to the mundane?
And ask, "What was the fucking point anyway?""
Our Job Is To Make Life Worth Living
I've got a message for my heroes
The people in whom I see all the things I want to be:
"I don't need you,"
Because I won't rest until all of the things I want to be are me
I've got a message for my medicine
The little pills in which I gave too much control over me:
"I don't need you,"
Because I won't let these chemicals be my identity
And I don't believe them when they say
That things just have to be this way
Because I finally got the guts
To stop letting good enough be fucking good enough
To all of my ex-friends and girlfriends
The people to whom I gave all of me:
"I don't need you,"
I'm stronger than I ever thought that I could be
I'm almost happy, can you believe that?
After all the times I have laid on the tracks?
I can feel it getting easier
I want to be brave, won't take no for an answer
I will live each day harder and faster
Than the day before because there is no ever after
Just a full-stop not a fucking semi-colon
I'm going to be brave and make the most of it
And don't believe them when they say
Things have to be this way
That things can't and will not change
That we can't do anything
Because we're stronger than the shackles that bind us
We're not gonna die like this
We have the guts, never let good enough
Be fucking good enough
Stay Folk-used
When I die my footprints will be erased
My words and screams will fade away
No one will remember my name or face
Repeat after me, "And that's okay!"
And when we die we'll just decompose
And insects will make nests out of our bones
We'll be together until the sun explodes
Repeat after me, "We're not alone!"
And when we die we'll be free
From this never ending cycle of mediocrity
From disappointment, from c'est la vie
Ready? Repeat after me!
I'm not afraid, I'm not okay
But I'm getting better every day
And I'm not waiting for some kind of sign
My life is mine and only mine
If there's a god he's just like me
Scared and fucking lonely
I'm not afraid to be forgotten
We're not here to sign our names but to scream and shout them
I don't know what I'm going to do
I don't know if I ever want to
I'm alive
And that's just fine with me
As One Non-Combatant to Another
I started back up with my pill taking and I lost all respect for myself
I spend most of my nights steady shaking and I can't control myself
And I'm sick of people telling me it's all right
And I'm sick of people telling me it's going to be fine
Because everyone's out to get me and so are you
Everyone else has left me so, why wouldn't you?
Sometimes I think it might be time to reassess my lot in life
But even if I did could I change the things I didn't like?
Is this what it's supposed to feel like?
Am I supposed to feel like my life
Is going off without my consent?
It's a train and I'm tied to the tracks
Is this what it's supposed to feel like?
When I'm alive aren't I supposed to feel alive?
Ain't there supposed to be parties?
Ain't there supposed to be fun?
And aren't I supposed to miss this
When it's done?
Ain't there supposed to be dancing?
Ain't there supposed to be lights?
Aren't I supposed to be happy?
Or at least all right?
Is this what it's supposed to feel like?
Am I supposed to feel like my life
Is going off without my consent?
It's a train and I'm tied to the tracks
Is this what it's supposed to feel like?
When I'm alive aren't I supposed to feel alive?
But the truth is, I'm scared
I'm lonely and barely there
The future has no lights, can't make my way in the dark
I don't know how to get the fuck off my ass and start
The world is spinning to quickly, I can feel my stomach turn
Too lazy to fix this and too stubborn to learn
The system is unjust, don't want to be a part
Of this machine that propels us toward god knows what
And not enough of us are wondering, "Hey, what the fuck?"
I'm sick of feeling like I'm fighting a war and out of luck
I'm scared I won't know what to do when it comes down to me
I'm scared I'll stay the same and end up unfulfilled and lonely
Don't want to work a nine to five, don't want to live, don't want to die
Don't want to sleep, don't want to wake, don't want to sit, don't want to shake
Fuck!
Summer-like For An Instant
I'm on empty in every way you could mean
My heart, my car, my mp3, my wallet and my body
But I'm still driving, I'm still running, I'm still singing, I'm still gunning as far as I can see
And that's no surprise if you know me
And man, you know me
In all honesty, baby, I don't know where I'll sleep tonight
If a good friend calls from far away, well, baby, I just might
Be speeding down 23, faster than my conscious can say to me,
"You ain't got the gas or the time or the dollars and dimes
Just responsibility and a child's mind
You can keep on living like you're last in line
But when it's time, don't come crawling to me"
It's time to grow up, it's time to be boring
You gotta show up on time for everything
You gotta abandon all those stupid dreams and live life on your fucking knees
You gotta lose your dignity
In all honesty, baby, I don't know where I'll sleep tonight
If a good friend calls from far away, well, baby, I just might
Be speeding down 23, faster than my conscious can say to me,
"You ain't got the gas or the time or the dollars and dimes
Just responsibility and a child's mind
You can keep on living like you're last in line
But when it's time, don't come crawling to me"
Stumblin'!
I stumble over my words and I can't get them out
I'm trying so very hard but I can't figure it out
And I tell myself, "Hey, pull it together, man
This is not you, this is not the plan"
But I am not obedient
We all know what my problem is
I don't listen to anyone else
I don't listen to me
I sing the words, I say the prayers
But don't know what they mean
And I'm tired of always complaining
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of not being all right
Without all these little lies
Lately I've been running a lot of red lights
As if that'd get me to my destination
But after all these late nights and fights
I still have not left the station
I don't know where I'm going, I'm not "in progress"
I'm going to a place with no street signs or address
No balloons on mailboxes, no arrows this way
Silently shuffle past and always look away
And it's starting to feel something like a kind of life
Being lost and scared all of the time
It's starting to feel like I am not so alone
This motel's starting to feel like home
But I'm still stumbling over my words
And I still can't get them out
I'm still trying so very hard
But I still can't figure it out
And I'm trying to listen to everyone
Or at least to me
I'm trying to find the reason
Find the meaning
I'm trying to stop complaining
I'm trying to try
I'm trying to feel all right
Without all those little lies
I'm trying to make this planet
That we call home
Feel more like where the heart is
Instead of so alone
I'm trying to find the right notes
To find the right rhymes
To convince myself that I feel something
Something like alive
Convince myself I can get over this
Convince myself into life
Because for the first time the thought doesn't scare me
For the first time I
I'm starting to feel something like a kind of life
Being lost and scared all of the time
I'm starting to feel like I am not so alone
I'm starting to feel at home
Facing Unpleasant Facts
Late at night in the middle of a city
Where nobody knows me
And I can't help feeling like
I fucked up somewhere
But I guess it was silly of me
To think that our loyalty
Was anything
Special at all
But I thought we were better
That we'd stick together
Through the thick and thin
But I guess I was wrong again
I went to your house yesterday
To pick up stuff from Saturday
And I left a little bit
In case I wanted to come back in
And I know it's pathetic
You stabbed me in the back and
I just keep calling back, man
Like nothing ever happened
But it did
I want you to hate yourself
I want you to hate yourself
I want you to hate yourself
And that makes me hate myself
I need to know that what I believed wasn't just what I wanted to believe
I need to know that you miss me, because missing you is killing me
I should just let go, I should just let go
And it makes me hate myself
I want you to know that I don't want you to know
That you've made me hate myself
I want you to hate yourself
Because I hate myself
I Have Tried to Tell the Truth
I like to blame things on the underwear I was wearing
If I have a bad day those fuckers get put away
I like to blame things on the weather, rain or shine
It's too hot, it's too cold, it's too dark, oh my, oh my
I like to blame things on how much cologne I was wearing
I put too much on, came on too strong, that's what went wrong
I like to blame things on genetics and genes, those fucking things
I like to blame things on anybody else but me
I like to blame things on the fears that I haven't conquered yet
Like being abandoned and not being content
Heaven knows that I've been there before
Hell knows I'll be there quite a few times more
I try too hard, come off too soft
And I'm scared of everyone I see
And I know there's a proper place for this stuff
But it's nowhere near me
I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried to tell the truth
But you and I both know that's so hard to do
I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried to tell the truth
Isn't that what Jesus would want me to do?
I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried to tell the truth
But you and I both know that's so hard to do
I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried to tell the truth
But I could not make it through
I tried, I tried, I tried to do everything right
I tried to keep god in mind
