Conflicting Roles

We are all several different people.
There's a lot of philosophical ways to delve into this, such as, are we the same person we were before because we have those past experiences or are we a different person who has the same experiences and more? Alas, this is a blog, not my 11:00 AM Monday-Wednesday class. So we'll be discussing this in a more practical manner.

I am a musician. I am a student. I am an employee. I am a friend. I am a boyfriend. I am a son. I am a brother. I am a grandson, nephew, cousin, classmate, acquaintance, rival, enemy, stranger, depending on who I'm interacting with, where I'm interacting, and what I'm doing. We're all like this. We're still "us," but we aren't the same "us" sitting in class as we are sitting at the family dinner table. We're different when we're at work than we are in our lover's arms, it's just how it works.

We all at least sort of understand and accept this, but sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes these things are at odds, and then things get a little more complicated.

On my first day of PSY 252 this year, my band had the opportunity to play a show for a band that was touring the country. It's important to be there for the first day of school, especially for a higher level class, and especially especially for a higher level class that only meets once a week, but then again, I can open up for a really good band at a well-known venue.
So what did I do?
I sent my professor an email telling her, "Sorry, but my band is opening up for this pretty big band, I'll see you next week."

In this situation, my professor responded with a very kind, "This sounds like a great opportunity, good luck!" However, that's not always the case, and it's beside the point.

The point is that I was given a situation where I had to choose who I was. Was I a musician or was I a student?

For me it was easy. Music has always been more than a hobby to me; I couldn't stop if I wanted to. Something in me makes me feel like making music is the only option I have.

But how long can that go on? How long can I put dreams in front of practical life decisions? How long can I put crazy road trips, all-nighters, and extravagant romantic getaways in front of my obligation to be a functional member of society?

And that's a scary thing to think about. It always feels like it's only a matter of time until I'll be like everything I didn't want to be; until I'm waking up to work a nine to five I don't give two shits about to raise a family and be safe and cautious and a productive member of society for no other reason than because I'm supposed to; until I spend every second of my life preparing for the next second, when I'll prepare for the next, when I'll prepare for the next, and so on and so forth until the next second is death.

So fuck that. No longer am I a musician or a student. No longer am I your classmate, your friend, your acquaintance. From now on I am your Jordan Berry. I play music, I attend a university, I share a class with you, I support you and confide in you, I recognize you, but I am no longer anything but myself.

And not in the lame, cliche way either. This isn't about "being yourself." This is about being. Just being. We're told from the second we're squeezed out of a womb who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to do, and we're never told that the most important thing to be is us, the most important thing to do is to do.

I love learning, I love writing, and I love the idea of being a teacher, but the moments in my life when I am truly happy are the moments spent having late night conversations in diners with my best friends, swimming in lakes in the middle of the night, staying up all night drinking coffee, playing music and seeing music, cuddling that certain someone and forgetting everything else, watching movies, going on adventures, and helping others feel as good as I do when I feel like that.

And that's what's important to be. Fuck being a student, fuck being a musician, fuck being an employee. Be a fucking human being.